Cow Hollow residence, San Francisco. Dijeau Poage Construction.
It’s my 23rd Birthday today, and instead of roaming the Brooklyn streets “FACED” off my Forever 21-clothed ass, I’m at home sick, watching Food Network and contemplating a celebratory ‘handful of chips and white wine with ginger ale.’ Yay! It’s okay. I get to cruise Facebook for birthday posts and see who my REAL FRIENDS ARE. And I also get to soak in the crushing realization that I’m not getting any younger and 23 (besides being an ominous number according to Jim Carrey) should mean I need to be growing up a bit more. Fast. I’ve never been one for New Years resolutions, because I’m usually wearing heels and trying to make out with a tie (KIDDING) so bday rezolutions it is. Here are my ‘adult’ goals for the next year, and I’m documenting them online so you can hold me to them.
Goals of a 23-year-old idiot:
- Be mature enough to have a semblance of a ‘medicine cabinet.’ Every time I get sick I just roll down the hall to my roommates door and moan Nyyyquiillll at them until they shove it under the door so I can shut up. I also get a lot of papercuts and do nothing but scream FUCK at them. It’d be nice to have access to some bandaids and little medicines and be a functioning human being who is prepared for some small disasters.
- Maybe not be on Facebook so much. Not in that smug way people who have ‘gotten off Facebook’ tell you when you meet them at a party and they announce to the whole party ‘well I’ve just DELETED my facebook I don’t NEED THAT CLUTTER IN MY LIFE’ and then stare at everybody with a fucking grin on their face like they deserve a medal. Just maybe I shouldn’t slowly drool onto the keyboard as I click through some guys profile pictures for the 90,000 time.
- Be vaguely aware of the things I am piling into my mouth like I am a bulldozer on a construction site.
- Be vaguely aware of the money I am throwing into a fiery garbage can of bar tabs and rent checks.
- Gain some wine knowledge. Whenever I go to a slightly nice restaurant (okay, with my parents or that ONE FRIEND who has a real job in manhattan) and they go ‘would you like to see the wine menu’ I stare at the wine menu and go ‘well, which one will get me the DRUNKEST at the fastest pace?’ No, no. I need to start knowing what oaky backwash or plum notes or whatever the fuck I’m supposed to know about wine, and at least decide what kind of wine is the best (and not shiraz because it’s usually 13.5%). And then I need to be able to order that before I spill it all over my blouse.
- And in the spirit of wine, maybe I will only drink wine out of wine glasses from now on.
- Fuck that, only in PUBLIC.
- Start doing adult things before I go to bed at night like moisturizing my neck.
- Start doing adult things in the morning like getting up early and eating Special K while reading the paper. Even if the Special K is old and I’m reading the paper online, I swear I will be one of those people that is so caught up on current events, nobody wants to play Jeopardy with me.
- Maybe I’m making my goals too big. I was going to say ‘keep a plant alive’ but I know that’s impossible, that plant is as good as fucking dead. How about cleaning my bed sheets once a month or at least doing laundry. How about I just start DOING MY LAUNDRY? What is my aversion with putting a bunch of my underwear in a bag and letting it roll around in a water cycle for 30 minutes? I’m going to start doing more laundry or just buying more underwear.
- Organize my computer. Wait, your desktop is filled with ridiculous amounts of pictures and documents too, right? And your gmail is like, 7,000 emails in? Please tell me I am not the only idiot who forgets to erase all her e-mails in case I really DID win that 10 million euros from a bank in Switzerland.
- No more purchases of: hooded sweatshirts and Converse sneakers. Oh, you bet your ASS I will keep the ones I have, but maybe I should invest in purchasing some clothing item that doesn’t cost ten dollars and continues to make me look like a fourteen-year-old. Not that it doesn’t work for Avril Lavigne, but I bought so many cheap clothes last year I couldn’t afford the one cool pair of boots I really want. And I didn’t even get the Sk8tr Boi in the end.
- Lose only one umbrella this year, keep my health insurance card on me, and stop stepping on my headphones.
- Stop wiping my hands on my pants.
- Instead of staring at foodgawker all the time, perhaps now is the time to actually cook in my kitchen. Like, go to the store and buy fresh vegetables and make something other than stir fry or ‘roast thing with garlic powder.’ And try to do that more than once a month. More importantly, ask my mom how to make all my childhood recipes I loved as a kid so I can make them for somebody I love, one day, too. Seriously, if you tried this woman’s rice and beans you would underSTAND.
- Ask somebody on a date.
- Go on a date. I don’t care who pays, but I feel like I’m at the age where ‘making out at a bar’ should slowly but surely be replaced with ‘eating spaghetti awkwardly at a restaurant.’ I watch a lot of Bravo reality shows, and this is telling me that I should start wearing more bangle necklaces and royal eggplant colored shirts and have Italian dinner with some guy named Dave or Matt.
- Eat pizza for breakfast. Never done it, and this tortures me.
- Continue to not hear my biological clock ticking.
- Do something that takes some courage. Woman up. Not because I’m getting older, but because I guess now I need to have cool stories to tell people when I’m old someday. This is not a ‘I should travel thing’ even though I want to travel. I just refuse to still be the girl who says ‘I’m going to travel’ as a way of saying ‘no I haven’t fucking travelled this does not make me a PHILISTINE THIS MAKES ME POOR.’
- Start doing that whole ‘one month’s rent in my savings account thing’ HAHHAHA MAYBE IF THE COLLEGE LOANS STOP okay maybe just 500 dollars in my savings. In case I lose an eye or something!
- Stop complaining so much, stop texting so much, stop rolling my eyes, stop watching so much television, and just generally have a good fucking time.
- Never stop eating string cheese, watching Disney Movies, getting excited on Christmas morning, having crushes, and every other thing that isn’t just for kids any more because its ME AS AN ADULT.
- Maybe find out what a 401k is. MAYBE.
Nicholas Cash | 22 | Washington DC
1st image: 1967 Newark Riots
2nd image: 2014 Ferguson Protests
3rd image: 1964 Harlem Riots
4th image: 2014 Ferguson Protests
No joke Joe Biden could seriously get it.